NYT and WaPo win Pulitzer Prize for reporting on something that “possibly” happened.

No joke; it’s right in the New York Times’ tweet:

I hereby announce that tomorrow I’m going to publish part one of a twenty-part exposé of the New York Times and the illegal cockfighting ring they sponsor in hidden locations throughout Manhattan. You think there’s no such thing? Well, I have one thing to say to you: It’s possible.

I’m sure the New York Times will deny that they would sponsor an illegal cockfighting ring, if they even bother to respond to these explosive accusations made by this august blog that’s totally a big deal and has lots of readers and I’m totally important and are you laughing shut your stupid face you meanie-head jerk…

Ahem.

Anyway, I welcome the New York Times’ rebuttal to this accusation; however, the only way to find the truth of this matter of an illegal cockfighting ring sponsored by the New York Times is to conduct a thorough investigation. Due to the seriousness of this charge of sponsoring an illegal cockfighting ring, the New York Times must open their finances to be looked over with a fine-toothed comb, to root out any possible expenditures on an illegal cockfighting ring. The New York Times must also provide access to all of their employees so that interviews can be conducted to see who knows anything about an illegal cockfighting ring sponsored by the New York Times. Every living member of the Sulzberger family, out to third cousins, must be made to account for their location during the times these illegal cockfighting rings sponsored by their newspaper, the New York Times, operate in Manhattan.

As part of this investigation, the Washington Post should be investigated to find out what they know about the New York Times’ illegal cockfighting ring. After all, they appear to have worked closely with the New York Times during the time period that the New York Times was sponsoring illegal cockfighting rings; surely, they would have some knowledge about what really happened. Jeff Bezos should be questioned directly about what the Washington Post knew regarding the New York Times’ illegal cockfighting ring.

Stonewalling this investigation, should the illegal cockfighting ring-sponsor New York Times choose to go that route, will only raise suspicion. The people have a right to know whether the Paper of Record™ (the New York Times) is sponsoring an illegal cockfighting ring; I implore the New York Times to cease hiding their sponsorship of an illegal cockfighting ring and come clean with the world about how they are the New York Times and they sponsor an illegal cockfighting ring.

I know for certain that there is proof that the New York Times sponsors an illegal cockfighting ring. Where is this proof? Right next to the proof that President Donald Trump colluded with Russia.

Featured image by Donar Reiskoffer [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC BY 3.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, from Wikimedia Commons, who in no way, shape, or form has any involvement or knowledge of this work of satire whatsoever. Seriously, this is satire.